connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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