alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
