I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
