i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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