Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
