3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize