i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
