Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
