When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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