Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am puke
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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