Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
