the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
