You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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