your parents love me but you hate me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
