Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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