why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
