saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
