what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
