Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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