if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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