Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
