dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
