I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
