Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
