How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
