I just pynch a tree in the face
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
