at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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