I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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