She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
