Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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