you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I deserve this hangover.
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