I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I want her autograph on my taint
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
