You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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