Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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