i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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