apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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