Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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