This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
