the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
