Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
