remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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