Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
