why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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