i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
