the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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