I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Two words: nipple clamps
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