So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize