You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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