you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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