Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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