So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
