She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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