Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
