i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize