I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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