I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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