Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
