I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
