Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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