yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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