I will die if light touches me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am midnight drunk by noon
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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