totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize