bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
